Most of you already know this or have surmised, that Batman v Superman is a bit of a turd. Which is to say, it fucking sucks. It’s bad. Like really really bad. Like Battlefield Earth bad. The biggest fuckery of all is that it’s boring. A long, pointless slog with little sense of story or character and a one hundred percent lack of fun. It’s like watching the comic book version of Dancer in the Dark. But with a healthy dose of who-gives-a-shit thrown in. I won’t get into the details because, frankly, it’s not worth the time and effort it would take. I can’t believe Zack Snyder is a working director in Hollywood. Nearly every creative decision made in this “film” is a 180 from what it should have been. This movie is a master class in Doing Shit The Opposite of How it Should be Done. As if George Costanza directed it.
You may have caught that I wrote, “Nearly every creative decision…” Good eye, my friend. Reason that qualifier is in there is because Ben Affleck is a fantastic Batman. Everything about this Batman, from the casting, to the costume, to the I Seriously Don’t Give a Fuck attitude, everything was spot on. I really can’t wait for Affleck’s solo Batman film. I love love love The Dark Knight. I put it in my top five comic book movies of all time… but I get little geek squirts (that’s little bits of pee in my pants from excitement over stupid shit nobody cares about) imagining Affleck’s Batman in The Dark Knight instead of Bale, who I had always loved as my favorite Batman… until Ben Affleck. Never thought I’d see the day. If his solo Batman film is a kickass cross between his best work in BvS and, say, The Town, his own McConaissance will be complete.
Back to BvS. As everyone knows, DC is playing catchup with Marvel. In this case, Marvel is ET and DC is Mac & Me. That’s how different their approaches feel. The subplot involving the other future members of the Justice League isn’t really a subplot at all… it’s Ben Affleck looking at encrypted video files of Cyborg (who?), Aquaman (Really?) and The Flash (they’d be hard-pressed to top the tv version on right now) doing expository shit. Oh, sorry – scratch that about The Flash. He also appears in what appears to be, a dream sequence Bruce Wayne has. The Flash is in some of time vortex and of course his voice is garbled so it’s hard to make out what he’s saying… something about saving somebody or some shit nobody cares about.
Why does Bruce Wayne have so many prophetic dreams? I mean, really? Is this fucking guy Batman, or Professor X?
Did I mention he has a bunch of dream sequences that is clear set up for The Justice League? He does. It is as stupid as it sounds.
Also, everything is dark. Super dark. Black hole dark. Hard to see stuff going on dark. Dark dark dark dark dark. I pity the fool who sees this in 3D. After it’s over they won’t know if they’ve seen Batman v Superman or Ishtar.
It’s also really loud for no good reason. And not sure why but Doomsday explodes into large balls of lightning and electricity for no reason whatsoever, repeatedly. It is as if some VFX company had already spent millions on the effect for another film that got aborted and they’re left wondering what to do with all this work.
VFX Guy: “Well FUCK. We have all this lightning.”
Z Snyder: “Maybe Doomsday can be all like, electric.”
VFX Guy and Snyder: “Boners!!”
This is how I imagine every film-related conversating Zach Snyder has had with his crew since day one of principal photography on Sucker Punch.
I stumbled upon a headline right after I saw the movie that read, “Zack Snyder Has Exited ‘JUSTICE LEAGUE,’ Replaced By George Miller.” I thought two things simultaneously. One was, “Wow.” The other was, “Fuck yeah.” Then I realized the date on the article was April 1st. And the collective geek universe grunted in despair.
p.s. I can’t help but recommend it to anybody interested in the filmmaking process. I would imagine it will give hope to many aspiring filmmakers, assuring them that sometimes even a shitty filmmaker gets a shot. And then continues to get shots. Until one day a major studio hands you their comic book expanded cinematic universe on a platter, upon which you then firehose shit all over it.
p.p.s. BvS has the single most ludicrous crescendo, marking the point where Batman and Superman go from foe to friend. It involves the name Martha. And it’s idiotic. Someone much smarter than me wrote that it is tantamount to the scene in Step Brothers that ends with,
“Did we just become best friends?!”
“You wanna go do karate in the garage?”