Hi guys,

Let’s get right to it, shall we?  Jason Bourne is dull.  It’s a total retread of everything that has come before.  There’s nothing new, no reason for it even to exist.  Except the studio was annoyed that the Jeremy Renner spinoff, The Bourne Legacy was received with little more than a collective, “eh” from audiences.  The most recent entry has a lot of Matt Damon walking away from the camera & disappearing into crowds, a car chase through crowded streets and a fight or two.  Culminates in a face to face with the aging big bad, in this case Tommy Lee Jones and essentially asking, “What gives, shitbird?” Only this time, the answer is contrived hokum and adds nothing to the mythology of the character.  In fact, pretty much undercuts the gravity of his plight completely.  I’m going to sum up the plot and would be point of the film in a single declarative sentence…

Ready?  Major Spoiler Alert.

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Still with me?  Okay.

David Webb’s father created Treadstone, offered up his son as the ideal candidate, realized what a colossal fucking mistake that was, reneged, got killed as a result which is blamed on terrorists and Webb volunteers out of vengeance and becomes Jason Bourne.

Who. Fucking. Cares.

The major revelation closing out the original trilogy: David Webb’s life wasn’t stolen from him, HE VOLUNTEERED, was a goddamn doozy.  Why retcon that?  It’s tantamount to midichlorians.  Friggin’ midichlorians.  Just painful.

That annoying blonde from 10 Things I Hate About You is still around, still looking like Jessie Plemons (who kinda looks like Matt Damon – whoa), still kinda sorta of helping Bourne although in this one, she’s the entire reason he resurfaces and gets discovered.  She should have just STFU.

The other character addition is Alicia Vikander, who made some waves awhile back in the excellent, Ex Machina, in a role I still can’t really define.  She’s in charge of something, wants to be in charge of more, speaks with the strangest monotone accent this side of Nicolas “Put The Bunny Back in the Box” Cage in Con Air and does something at some point I don’t recall.  I’m no expert, but I’m guessing the CIA doesn’t allow people in their 20’s in positions of power.  Just a hunch.

Anyway, there was that scene in the trailer where he punches that guy.  That was okay. If you’re jonesing for more Bourne, rewatch the first 3.  They said everything that needed saying.  The latest is merely an echo.

-cohan