Month: April 2018

A Quiet Place

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey guys,

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, how could a man of such juvenile sensibilities refrain from headlining this review, Silent But Deadly.  Well guys, let me tell you, it was a struggle.  But alas, maybe leading with a fart joke is (finally) a thing of the past.

A Quiet Place is not the directorial debut of John (Is That The Guy From The Office) Krasinksi, but it is his directorial debut of a film anybody has seen.  Krasinski also stars alongside real life wife, Emily Blunt.  A Quiet Place is an excellent little horror film focused entirely on a family living in silence on a farm in upstate New York.  The basic premise is that humanity has been all but wiped out by sightless monsters who hunt based on sound.  The Abbott family has survived in large part because one of their children is deaf and they all speak sign language.

The film opens with one of the most effective horror movie hooks I’ve seen in a very long time.  It reminded me of a quieter (ha ha), smaller version of the Final Destination film openers.  After that opening scene, we jump ahead one year as we’re introduced to the nuts and bolts of how this family has survived.  Sand paths, clever lighting, surveillance, lines of defense, basic daily protocols, all the details that really sell a small scope story like this whose effectiveness relies almost entirely on the audience accepting the basic premise.

At this point I’d like to point out that eating popcorn while watching this movie is like standing on stage in your underwear.  It seems like all the attention is on you. So you chew long and slow, as quiet as you possibly can.  It’s pretty futile.  Thankfully, I got half the bowl down before the movie even started.

Anyway…

I would be remiss if I did not point out that there are some things about the middle of the film that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  The A-number 1 thing being, where are they getting power from?  It’s a big one.  They can’t use generators, which are loud as hell and would quickly serve as a dinner bell.  They make no mention of solar panels or wind turbines.  It’s a serious detail that requires addressing, but yet is ignored.

Otherwise, the 2nd act may prove a little slow for some, but it’s filled with nice character work by all the actors, including the young actress who plays their deaf daughter who is also deaf in real life.  Her story is fairly central to the film.  She feels responsible for a tragic turn of events early on and thinks her father doesn’t love her anymore as a result.  It’s handled subtly, believably and with confidence, a testament to her performance and Krasinski’s directorial skills.  There’s another parallel familial storyline going on concurrently that I am hesitant to specify.  It definitely brings this review into spoiler territory and I’d rather not ruin anything for you.  I’m going to skip over it… you’ll either buy it or you won’t.  I bought it, but wanted it to be fleshed out a bit more.  That’s all I’ll say.

As the second act winds down, the third act kicks off with a character accidentally injuring themselves in a way we can all relate to, which would serve as more of a nuisance than anything in the real world.  And from then on, A Quiet Place is a quiet freight train, moving forward with thrilling intensity.  There are some effective jump scares, but it’s the slow burn tension and restrained filmmaking techniques in the 3rd act that elevates the film beyond b-movie shlock.  It’s as exciting a game of cat and mouse as I’ve seen in recent memory, whose climax is as terrifying as it is moving.

There are several hints to a larger cinematic world within the running time of the film.  The most interesting of which is the innuendo that the Abbott family members are not the only survivors in the area.  Seems like fodder for a sequel to me.  A sequel I’d happily pay to see.  Quiet, confident and cerebral horror movies seem to be on the rise again after many years of found footage, torture porn and jump scares.  It’s a welcome re-evolution of the genre.

– cohan

p.s. If you have a movie theater in your area known for loud, chatty audiences, don’t see A Quiet Place there.  Inconsiderate theater douches are a tough obstacle to enjoying any movie, but for this one, they’re deadly.  Deadly Douches.  Sounds like a movie I’d also pay to see.  Actually, it sounds like a movie I’d make.  Ha, there’s hope for me yet.

My Star Wars Saga

Hey guys,

So here it is, as promised, my first non-movie review posting.  I can’t exactly say it isn’t movie-related given the title of the post.  But it is more movie licensing related.  Allow me to explain…

Last Christmas, my family gave me a Death Star popcorn popper for Christmas.   It was awesome as hell, but it didn’t work very well.  So, naturally I got in touch with the manufacturer.  I wrote them this:

—————————-

Hello Uncanny Brands,

I recently received a Death Star Popcorn Maker as a Christmas gift.  I’m a Star Wars nut so I welcome all gifts from a galaxy far far away.  As long as they work.  And I’m sad to say this popcorn maker does not work correctly.  At all.  It spits out tons of unpopped kernels.  Little bastards fly all over the kitchen counter… some of them pop after they’ve been expelled and if those late popping kernels land in the bowl first, the pop shoots popcorn all over, not only the counter, but the floor too.  It’s makes a huge mess and leaves roughly 20% of the kernels unpopped.  I want to love this product, but frankly, it kinda sucks.  Too bad.  I guess I’ll go back to popping popcorn in oil on the stove top.

 But what I’d really like to know is if I can somehow get a refund for this turkey.  It’s in perfect condition having only been used once.  As I mentioned, I received it as a gift so I do not have a receipt and I do not know where it was purchased.  Which is why i’m contacting you.

 Any info you can provide would be appreciated.

Thank you.

Cohan (Star Wars super-fan, popcorn enthusiast, sad Death Star Popcorn Maker owner)

—————————-
I didn’t really expect a response, but 24 hours later, I received this reply:
—————————-

Cohen- [sic]

Thanks for your email. And thanks for supporting our product. You review is greatly appreciated.

In general, most air-pop popcorn makers leave un-popped kernels. Its the one drawback of an air-pop machine versus a kettle machine that pops with oil. Your opinion is noted; however, Im surprised. This popcorn maker was our #1 selling SKU in 2017…with an extremely low return & defective rate.
Since you did not purchase the product directly from us I cant issue you a refund. What I would like to do — since you are a Star Wars nut — is send you some additional product in exchange for your honest review. Is that fair?
Please send me your address and I can send you some goodies.
Thanks Cohen [sic]
Uuncanny Brands [sic]
—————————-
My response to this email was, of course, something along the lines of, “HELL. YES.”  And then a couple months went by and I forgot all about the exchange, until one day I came home from work to find a very large box left outside my front door.  A package whose arrival was not something I was expecting.  I had no idea what it was.  When I brought it in and opened it up, I discovered this:

IMG-0828

Uncanny Brands had totally come through.  They had sent me Light Saber Salt & Pepper mills, a R2D2 toaster, a Stormtrooper toaster, a Stormtrooper waffle iron, and a Lightsaber Immersion Blender.  Holy shit.  I was shocked.  Of course, since they followed through and sent me all this schwag, I felt a certain responsibility to hold up my end of the deal.  So I did.  I used all the items and wrote reviews for each one.  See my follow up posts for reviews of each product.
c

My Star Wars Saga: Lightsaber Salt & Pepper Mills Review

Hi [REDACTED],

I wanted to let you know I had a chance to try out a couple of the Star Wars items you sent me.  Luckily, it addition to being a full-fledged booger-eating Star Wars nerd, I like to cook.  I like to think one offsets the other, which is why, I’m sure, I’m still married.  So, I’m going to start with the best thing I’ve tried so far…

Lightsaber Salt & Pepper Grinders

I love these two little gadgets.  I’m using the hell out of these.  I love that they’re electric, which is something I never realized I wanted until I tried these.  Like I said, I cook a lot, which means seasoning often at every stage.  Twisting the manual grinders became such an annoyance to me that I started buying the pre-ground sea salt and black pepper and keeping them in little cellars next to my stove.  The only drawback to that really is that you sacrifice a fuller flavor by using pre-ground.  Salt and pepper (especially pepper) are a lot like coffee in that regard.

Side note:  When in the hell are you guys gonna make a Darth Vader coffee maker?  Seems like a no-brainer to me.

[NOTE: WHEN I WROTE THIS REVIEW I HAD NO IDEA THEY ALREADY HAD A DARTH VADER STOVETOP KETTLE]

Back to the grinders.  They have a nice solid heft to them.  I don’t feel like they’re gonna break every time I use them.  I like the caps on the ends so you don’t spill salt and pepper all over when not in use, I like the size and the way they look on the countertop (like I said, big time nerd).  The buttons on top are great, easy to press with either your thumb or finger.  It grinds nice and fast, although I wouldn’t mind if the salt were a little slower, but I think it’s because I couldn’t find the right kind of true rock salt and had to settle for coarse sea salt, which might already be a little too small for the grinder.   Oh, and I almost forgot my favorite part… I must have used these guys 4 or 5 times before I realized there are lights on the end.  THAT. RULES.  Especially with salt, it can be difficult to see how much you’re really applying.  It’s the one way cellars win out over grinders, control.  But having those lights, hot damn, it’s so much easier to see how much seasoning your dumping into your dish.  So a great idea that had never occurred to me.

Now, after all that gushing, I have 3 minor complaints and/or suggestions:

1. Man oh man would i love to ditch the AA batteries in favor of a charger of some kind.  Like a cell phone cable, or even some sort of dock.  I’ve seen those electric corkscrews that rest on an always plugged in dock on your countertop and I dig.  Something like that would really be a bonus.  Then if you want to get crazy, you have a model with one or two USB ports so you can charge your phone while you’re cooking dinner.  Maybe have a version where the dock is also a bluetooth speaker.  The possibilities are endless.

2. When you have the grinder taken apart to change the batteries or add more salt and pepper, the battery compartment just sort of rests on the salt/pepper reservoir in an awkward, unbalanced way.  Until you put the main piece back on and give it a twist to lock, it seems really unstable.  This is a minor quibble, by the way.

3.  For the size of these grinders, the compartments for the pre-ground salt and pepper seem awfully small.  If you guys could lose the batteries in favor of a charging system there’d be more space for a larger quantity of salt and pepper.  I know I go through a lot of both and the less times I have to refill, the better.

Like I said, so far this is my favorite item you’ve sent me.  That being said, I’ve only tried these, the storm trooper waffle iron and the storm trooper toaster.  Those reviews will be coming in separate emails.  I’ll be trying out the R2D2 toaster and lightsaber immersion blender soon.

One more suggestion:  a Sarlacc Pit meat grinder.

– Cohan

p.s.  okay, last suggestion:  Admiral Ackbar’s “It’s a mouse trap!”

My Star Wars Saga: Stormtrooper Waffle Iron Review

Hi [REDACTED],

I had a chance to use the Stormtrooper Waffle Maker and I’m happy to report it works pretty well.  Not great, which I’ll get into, but it certainly made competent waffles that absolutely look like a stormtrooper head.

I’m going to hit this one as a stream-of-consciousness list of thoughts as they occur to me in the moment, starting with:

1. I like the relatively small footprint of the unit, but also it only makes one waffle at a time, which is totally normal of course, but I would love a dual side by side version that makes two simultaneously.  Say an imperial stormtrooper head (current) next to a First Order Stormtrooper.  Anyway, the good thing about this waffle iron is that the waffles themselves are pretty good size.  I made one for me and one for my wife, and along with some sliced apple and hard-boiled egg, made for a good-sized breakfast.  If you’re making waffles for the whole family, you better get up pretty early… or maybe start the night before… because you are in it for the long haul.

2. Which brings me to the length of time it takes to make a waffle.  Instructions say 3-4 minutes.  Nah, double it.  If you use a whole cup of batter, rather than 3/4, definitely double that.  Even then, the inside was a little less than fully cooked.  But I let one sit in there for like 12 minutes and it was nicely browned and cooked through.

3. Oh, also I had the temperature setting turned up to MAX the whole time.  That dial is kinda useless.  I can’t imagine having it set lower at all, ever.  Unless you’re making little thin 1/4 cup waffle-ettes, little baby stormtrooper heads… stormtoddlers.

4.  Speaking of controls, the indicator light that goes off when the iron is hot works great.  That same green light is supposed to go off when the waffle is done.  Nope.  Not even close.  Like I said, double it.  I ignored that light while making waffles.

5.  Are they really waffles?  Seems to me really they’re stormtrooper head pancakes.  I don’t know, what’s the difference really?  Are the square divots we think of as unique to waffles the only thing separating them from pancakes?  I have no idea, it seems akin to the difference between a violin and a fiddle (it’s the same instrument – the difference is in how they’re played).  This is a deeply profound philosophical discussion best conducted over several glasses of fine whiskey and really has no impact on my review of your waffle iron.  On that note, let us continue.

6.  No batter stuck to the iron, top or bottom.  This, to me, is the number one positive aspect of the waffle maker.  I sprayed some Pam on beforehand, as the instructions suggested and sure enough, those would-be waffles popped right out with a silicone spatula.  Excellent.

7.  Cleaning it was pretty much a breeze.  I wiped it down with a slightly damp paper towel.  There was some hard to get oil pools around the ridges of the stormtrooper’s head and inside some nooks and crannies, but I would imagine these occurrences would be far worse in an traditional waffle iron with all those little squares. I used a q-tip to get those little daps of oil.  Is that OCD?

8.  The lid hinge seemed a bit loose to me.  Which would make sense actually if it were designed to include a bit bulkier items like:

9.  Wouldn’t it be great if this thing doubled as a panini style press?  just add a lock to the lid so you can ‘close and clamp it’ (do I hear a Ronco “set and forget it” tag line being coined?) and you have yourself a sandwich press.  In fact, I’m definitely going to try this at some point.  I think it’ll work nicely.  After all:

10. the waffle maker looks just like a george foreman grill.  is this a good thing or a bad thing?  hell, I don’t know… depends on your personal predilections for, or against, mr. foreman.

Overall, I’m quite content with the stormtrooper waffle maker.  It makes waffles.  Makes them pretty well actually.  I even added some pomegranate seeds to the batter and it handled that a-okay.  this weekend I might even go wild with some fresh blueberries.  I think it’ll do just fine.  Even though it takes longer than suggested to make the waffles and the indicator light goes off way too early, I think this waffle maker is a fine addition to anyone’s array of kitchen gadgets.  I’m going to definitely hang on to this thing… I’ve never owned a waffle iron before.

– Cohan

p.s. I am a little surprised there isn’t a matching Darth Vader syrup dispenser.

p.p.s.  I just realized the reason the waffles take so long to cook in this thing is exactly because there are no square divots.  With those things on the top and bottom, the batter is spread over a larger surface, a hot surface cooking it.  Without it, you’ve got what are essentially pancakes, which always take longer to cook than waffles.  It’s the divots.  Is that right word, divots?  I don’t know.  Do you guys make a death star waffle maker?  i’ve seen them, but don’t know if that’s you.  Regardless, I bet with the sort of grid like nature of the design, it makes waffles faster.

My Star Wars Saga: Toaster Reviews

Hi [REDACTED],

I’m chugging along on the Star Wars kitchen gadget train.  My latest test runs were with the Stormtrooper toaster and the R2D2 toaster.  To be frank, neither work well at all.  At least the Deathstar popcorn popper made a small amount of perfectly fine popcorn while it was rifling out hot, unpopped kernels like Jesse Ventura laying waste to the jungle with his Gatling gun in Predator.

[NOTE: A FRIEND OF MINE WAS KEEN TO POINT OUT IT REALLY WASN’T JESSE VENTURA LAYING WASTE TO THE FOREST WITH A GATLING GUN, BUT RATHER HIS FRIEND, MAC AFTER JESSE VENTURA GOT HIMSELF KILLED IN GRUESOME FASHION – MY MISTAKE]

Both toasters have almost identical problems, but before I get into that, I’m going to look at them separately, then after that, what they have in common.  So…

Stormtrooper toaster:

Jesus this thing is big.  That is both a good and bad thing.  Bad because its counter top footprint is huge.  It looks great, it’s a life size stormtrooper head after all.  But a life size stormtrooper head is a large appliance to have on your countertop.  Along with it’s over all size comes large bread slots large enough for bagels to fit.  A key component the R2D2 toaster is missing.  I’m a New Yorker and accommodating bagels is an absolute must.  So that’s a definite plus for the Stormtrooper.  I do not like that the controls are on the back.  I had it set up on my breakfast bar in my kitchen so the face is, uh… well, facing in.  Reaching around it is awkward.  I’d rather see the controls on the side maybe?  I don’t know.  On the front would totally disrupt the totally life-like stormtooper face it’s got going on.  So maybe there is no solution, and yet it bothered me.  Added to which, the plunger doesn’t go down smoothly.  It hitches on something unless you push down in an absolute unwavering straight line.  And it feels cheap.  I mean cheaply made.  Using it a couple of times and I felt like I was fortunate to have not broken it.  One small note about the controls… I find it clever and hilarious that the doneness dial goes from the “Light side” to the “Dark side.”  Perfect.  If it worked.  I’ll get to that.

Okay, now R2D2:

Much smaller footprint.  Also a good and a bad thing.  Good because it takes up less counter space.  Bad because the slots hardly fit a normal piece of sliced bread, let alone a bagel.  I don’t even think it could fit one of those shitty frozen Lender’s bagels, much less the bulging wonderful monster bagels you can get at any bakery and half the bodegas here.  That automatically to me is a deal-breaker.  I realize that for a whole bunch of people that aren’t me, maybe the lack of bagel accommodation is just fine.  That being said, i had to kinda cram in even the slices of basic whole wheat bread I tried toasting and they were not thicker than any of your average loaves of sliced bread.  It is nice to have the primary star wars design on the side, so the controls can face either way.  I will say I am surprised the R2D2 toaster wasn’t designed to look like an actual R2D2 robot.  I mean, R2D2 already looks like a toaster.  Maybe R5D4 since he’s got a flat top.  Oh, even better, the gonk power droid from the original movie – that guy absolutely looks like a toaster… but from a branding standpoint, i guess he’s pretty obscure (I told you I was a booger-eating Star Wars nerd).

Now both.

As I mentioned above, the “Light side/Dark side” thing is great.  But I’m afraid that dial doesn’t work well at all.  Neither toaster works well at all.  I think the primary problem is how they toast the image onto the side of the bread.  Sure it toasts the design, but then does not toast the rest of the area on that side of the bread.  Then the other side toasts almost like normal.  If you have to sacrifice the efficacy of an appliance in service of something so frivolous, then you should do away with that aspect altogether.  I mean, look at that big ole stormtrooper head on your counter top… do you really need the Imperial logo poorly burned into the side of your unevenly toasted bread?  I say no.  Added to which, that dial is pretty useless.  Anything other than all the way dark and the dang thing just keeps popping early over and over.  It’s extremely frustrating.  Any other setting but total dark side is pointless.  It warms the bread and pops, no toast.  Turn the dial up, replunge and it warms the bread and pops, no toast.  Not until you put it all the way will it finally toast, and even then it’s probably going to burn.  The only way I got either to work right was to put the doneness setting all the way, push ‘er down, then return to check on it every few minutes until I thought it was done, then manually pop it.  And even then, the side with the design is only half toasted, because the filaments are not evenly distributed.  And even if they were, i noticed on both toasters, maybe 25% of the filaments weren’t glowing at all anyway.

I’m sorry, but these toasters are terrible.  I wouldn’t even give these away as gifts.  I’m not sure if I would even donate them to the Salvation Army or otherwise.  Nobody wants a toaster that doesn’t work right.  It’s like having a super-cool ice cream machine that only spits out liquid.  There are plenty of options out there that work great and cost the same, or less than these two.  My Hamilton Beach toaster is boring to look at, but boy howdy it toasts like a goddamn master.  It is the Yoda of toasters, if I can intrude on the uncanny brands world.  And it’s $15 cheaper than both of these.  I’m sure there are diehard collectors out there who want to add these to their repertoire, but people like that aren’t going to take it out of the packaging anyway.

– Cohan

p.s.  If you guys ever decide to scale up, I’d love to see a refrigerator shaped exactly like a life-sized Han Solo frozen in carbonite.

My Star Wars Saga: Lightsaber Immersion Blender Review

Hi [REDACTED],

This is my last review of the items you recently sent me to test out, The Lightsaber Immersion Blender.  First of all, this thing has got some weight to it (a good thing).  Makes you feel like you’re holding a power tool, which I guess is exactly what an immersion blender is.  I used it last weekend when I made a huge batch of marinara sauce for freezing.  I dumped 6 large cans of whole peeled san marzano tomatoes into a 10 quart stockpot with a large jar of marinated artichoke hearts and another large jar of garlic stuffed castelveltrano olives, along with some other herbs and spices.  I heated it until it started simmering, then unleashed the lightsaber immersion blender on the whole kit and kaboodle.  I really did the job well.  It cut through the contents of that stockpot like a warm knife through butter.  Any time the head of the immersion blender got close to the bottom of the pot, it sucked it right to it, like a powerful vacuum cleaner exactly how a good immersion blender should.  After maybe ten minutes of really getting in there, I had a nicely puree’d tomato sauce with zero chunks.  Usually I use a potato masher so I have chunks, but this time I wanted to created a nice smooth sauce to see how the lightsaber blender handled it.  It did great.  Zero complaints.  My only suggestion would be a longer stem.  It’s just a little bit short.  It was almost too short to reach the bottom of the stock pot without submerging the handle… almost.  But one more can of tomatoes and it wouldn’t have been long enough.  I probably wouldn’t have even noted it’s length, but I already have a great immersion blender I love, so I compared them.  The Lightsaber is…

You know what?  Disregard everything I wrote about the length.  I was wrong.  I just went and compared them side by side, the lightsaber with my Kitchen Aid immersion blender and they’re exactly the same length.  The handle of my Kitchen Aid is an inch or two longer, but the actual blender attachment is the same.  I misjudged it.

Okay, so my actual only suggestion would be, again to have a charging dock instead of a AC cord.  It sucks having to wrangle the cord so it doesn’t catch on fire while using it in a pot on the stove.  I don’t know how feasible this would be.  I would imagine to create the kind of power an immersion blender needs to function properly you might have to use a wall outlet, but one can dream.  Just imagine…a charging dock that looks like R2D2.  handle of the immersion blender sticking out his head like Return of the Jedi.  Ah, geek dreams.

Well, there you have it.  If I didn’t already own an immersion blender, the Lightsaber immersion blender would get a lot of use.  In fact, it still may.  It’s pretty looks pretty bad ass.  And it works well.

And here ends my reviews of all the items you sent me:  Stormtrooper Waffle Iron, Lightsaber Salt and Pepper Grinders, Stormtrooper Toaster, R2D2 Toaster and Lightsaber Immersion Blender.  I hope these reviews have been useful in some way.  Should you ever decide you’d want to send me more merchandise to review, please do not hesitate to sent it along.  I’m happy to test out anything you’d like, and I rather enjoy writing these reviews.

Thank you.

[NOTE:  It has been several weeks since I sent in my last review and I have yet to receive a single reply to any of the reviews I’ve sent in.  No idea what that means, but if at any point I hear back from Uncanny Brands I’ll be sure to update here on Aberration Type.]

A Belated 2017 Movie Roundup

Hey guys,

I haven’t posted in quite some time, over a year.  What can I say?  Life.  So, I’m going to take this opportunity to first post my 2017 movie roundup list and commentary, a couple months late of course… then proceed with my first non-movie related postings.  But first:

  1. Thor: Ragnarok
  2. Wonder Woman
  3. Brawl in Cell Block 99
  4. Logan
  5. Get Out
  6. Spider-man: Homecoming
  7. War for the Planet of the Apes
  8. It
  9. Split
  10. John Wick 2
  11. Kong: Skull Island
  12. Logan Lucky
  13. Baby Driver
  14. The Fate of the Furious
  15. Justice League
  16. The Hitman’s Bodyguard
  17. The Vault
  18. Happy Death Day
  19. Blade Runner 2049
  20. Atomic Blonde
  21. Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2
  22. Star Wars: The Last Jedi
  23. The Mummy
  24. Rough Night
  25. Kingsman: The Golden Circle
  26. A Cure for Wellness
  27. Beauty and the Beast
  28. Life
  29. Okja
  30. The House
  31. Whatever Happened to Monday?
  32. Bright
  33. Gerald’s Game
  34. 1922
  35. Alien: Covenant
  36. Baywatch
  37. CHiPs
  38. Geostorm
  39. Transformers The Last Knight
  40. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter
  41. Underworld: Blood Wars
  42. Valerian & the City of a Thousand Planets
  43. Bedeviled
  44. Daddy’s Home 2/The Dark Tower
     Okay, people… this year’s list is dominated by mediocrity and downright shit.  Very few in my top ten would have cracked any other top ten of past years.  But of course I have not seen any of the award winners other than Get Out.  Some observations:
     There are a few Netflix originals on the list and none of them are terribly noteworthy.  So far, I’ve enjoyed their original series far more than their original films.  Bright was fine.  Happy Death Day was amusing.  Okja was… definitely not a comedy.  If I could, I’d go back in time and not watch Okja.  Not because it was a bad film, but because it’s depressing.   Gerald’s Game has some interesting ideas, but ultimately fell flat for me.  I fell asleep half way through 1922, another King adaptation for Netflix, and Whatever Happened to Monday has an interesting premise, what appears to be a damn fine budget, but then operated strictly by the numbers straight through to the end.
     We are in the middle of a superhero glut.  Some people mind, I don’t.  on that note:
     Thor: Ragnarok was the funniest movie of 2017.  Shame on you, The House, Rough Night, Baywatch, CHiPs, and goddamn Daddy’s Home 2.  A Thor movie was funnier than all of you.
     Wonder Woman was shockingly good.  Particularly after the 1, 2 turd punch of Batman vs. Superman and Suicide Squad.  Justice League wasn’t a total failure… and the fact that that is how I review it says something about the state of the DC cinematic universe.  I was skeptical of Gal Gadot when they first announced her casting way back when, but damn if she isn’t endlessly watchable in the role.  I look forward to the inevitable sequels.  Hopefully Warner Brothers doesn’t lose their goddamn minds and replace Patty Jenkins as the director.  Clearly she’s miles above Zack Stupid-face Snyder.
     Logan was a damn fine movie.  No need to undercut that statement by adding “comic book” before movie.  Surprisingly touching, but with a fair amount of edge to it.  Ha ha, see what I did there?  Like saying it was razor-sharp blah blah blah.  Whatever, i liked it.  My only gripe, and it’s some serious booger-earing nerdery, is that the comic that inspired it, Old Man Logan was batshit crazy is all the best ways.  Maybe some day someone will try and tackle that mad bastard.
     Spider-man.  Tom Holland is perfect.  I could have done with less Tony Stark, but i get it.  Michael Keaton’s McCaughnassaince is most deserved and welcome.
     Not based on a comic but certainly feels like it, John Wick 2.  the plot and motivations were actually a bit more subdued that the utterly insane, “you kill my dog, I kill you all” premise of the first one, but the weird comics inspired universe they’ve created fascinates me.  The ending is ridiculous.  I eagerly await part 3.
     Kingsman: The Golden Circle.  not as good as the first, but entertaining as hell regardless.  Matthew Vaughn has a real eye for surreal action.
     Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2.  Didn’t like it much at all.  And it has Kurt Russell in it.  You dumb shits, how could you fuck that up?
     I believe that’s it for comic book movies… so segueing into movies with Kurt Russell… the Fate of the Furious was fine.  part 5 was the high point of the series, which is certainly saying something, but it’s been diminishing returns since.  i like that Jason Statham and the Rock have great chemistry and are possibly doing some sort of spinoff together, but within the context of this film world, Statham is responsible for killing one of the fast and furious folks at the end of Tokyo Drift.  DOES NOBODY REMEMBER HAN!!!!!!????? that poor bastard.
     I would like to go on record clearly stating that since Swingers, I have grown more and more irritated by Vince Vaughn.  I find his schtick tiresome, to say the least.  And great googily-moogily was he terrible in season two of True Detective.  but i guess in his defense, everything about that season was terrible.  And then Brawl in Cell Block 99 happens and he makes me do a total 180.  it’s a simple, violent film.  the less you know the better.
     So Get Out just won an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay.  Hmmm, I suppose.  Maybe.  Don’t get me wrong, I liked it quite a lot.  Mostly because it somehow managed to subvert my expectations.  it wasn’t quite as black and white as I expected.  WHEW, MAN AM I ON A ROLL!  but best screenplay?  I think the circumstances surrounding the film and Jordan Peele are more important than the film itself.  so i say, well done sir.  enjoy your oscar.  you earned it.
     It is with a heavy heart that I deliver this one line review:  I found Star Wars the Last Jedi to be a totally underwhelming misfire whose creative decisions, almost entirely, felt wrong.  Boo.
     War for the Planet of the Apes… so odd.  This entire series, Dawn, Rise and now War are far better than they have any right to be.  They deserve credit, if for no other reason, than making people forget that Tim Burton/Mark Wahlberg shitfest ever happened.
     Speaking of Wahlberg, did I mention Daddy’s Home 2 is awful?  It is.  But it’s actually tied for last place.  With The Dark Tower.  WOW.  I mean, just, wow.  Kudos to the jerkwads who somehow managed to surpass The Lawnmower Man as the stupidest king adaptation to date.  I mean really, have you seen The Lawnmower Man?  It makes more sense than The Dark Tower.  That’s right, telling an audience that rudimentary virtual reality can somehow turn a moron into a digital genius super-villain is less of a head scratcher than every second of the dark tower.  aka, the dark turd, aka, the shit tower, aka, the shart shower.
     Are all y’all aware that The Mummy was supposed to usher in Universal’s shared universe of monster movies?  Yeah, maybe not so much.
     Alien: Covenant is basically a remake of Prometheus, while somehow making even less sense.  Ridley Scott is a masterful filmmaker.  His movies are utterly seamless.  But still, who cares?
     Related:  Bladerunner 2049.  didn’t like it.  didn’t like the way it looked.  didn’t like the story choices.  didn’t like the characterizations.  lazy writing.  that is all.
     gonna circle back around to CHiPs for a minute.  I really like Dax Shepherd.  He can be incredibly funny given the right material.  This is not the right material.  Which is too bad since he wrote and directed it.  Michael Pena is an excellent actor in every other film he’s ever made except CHiPs.
     Did i actually see Transformers: The Last Knight?  you know, i don’t seem to recall.  i think i watched it on a plane.  but these friggin’ movies are so dull, i can’t even recall if I actually saw it.  Just stop already.  Shame on you, Anthony Hopkins.
     Same goes for Resident Evil and Underworld.  What can I say, airplane movies.
     Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is a comic book movie.  My bad.  But their bad for making this turd.  I’m pretty sure in the history of clandestine organizations whose mission is to protect and serve, nobody under the age of 20 has ever been a real deal secret agent.  Except for Spy Kids.  but alas, this is no Spy Kids.  and I didn’t even like Spy Kids.  No movie this bad should have a title this long.  Every time you say or write it you feel like your life is ever-so-slightly, and needlessly shorter.
     It was pretty scary.  I had some issues, but after The Dark Tower, this seemed positively masterful by comparison.  I’m curious who they cast as the adults.
     I don’t mean Valerian was scary.  I mean the movie whose title is, “It.”
     Kong: Skull Island was entertaining in all the ways a movie about a giant gorilla fighting other giant monsters should be.  Supposedly the beginning of an extended universe involving the gojira classics:  Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, etc.  I’m curious.  Take note, The Mummy.
     Logan Lucky wasn’t as witty as I was expecting, as the writing was a little flat, but excellent performances made it extremely watchable.  When Channing Tatum’s daughter sings his favorite song quite terribly at her recital, I must admit I was moved.  Also, Daniel Craig is a better actor than the Bond movies would have you believe.
     I dig Split because young professor X was pretty great.  I look forward to Glass, the movie that will bridge Unbreakable and Split.  Who would have thought I’d look forward to an M. Night movie ever again?
     there are a few rando flicks from my list I didn’t mention, but that’s okay.
c
p.s.  I’d just like to say that Thor: Ragnarok was not the best film of 2017.  I’m not even sure it was the best film I saw in 2017.  It’s not even the best Marvel film.  but it was the best trailer of 2017 and it made me laugh.  so fuck it, number one it is.  I will say my top 5 are pretty interchangeable.  hell, maybe even top 10.